How Donald Trump and/or Hillary Clinton Would “CAPA the USA” if Elected in 2016

Trump and Clinton: "CAPA'ing" the USA

Although a long list of candidates make up the list of “eligibles” for the 2016 Presidential election, it’s fairly apparent that the two most conspicuous candidates are, respectively, Democrat Hillary Clinton and Republican Donald Trump. These two candidates, though liked and disliked by various population pockets across the United States, have certainly managed to make names for themselves within their various areas of expertise. 

A Little Fun with Hillary and Donald and the Power of the CAPA Process

This article is meant to be a satire…not offensive in any way but certainly a bit funny and who better to help us out than Hillary and Donald? However, despite its satirical status, this article is serious about the power of the CAPA process, which has been proven to repair errors, prevent those same errors from reoccurring and improve the quality and efficiency of essential processes. If the CAPA process works for the life science industry, why couldn’t it be applied to the political machinations of the U.S.A? And wouldn’t it be interesting if the first personalities to lead the effort were the singular frontrunners---Hillary and Donald?

So let’s time travel a bit into two imaginary (and separate) futures to see how the CAPA implementation process would work under the formidable minds of Hillary and Donald.

Let’s CAPA the USA’s Biggest Issues Hillary and Donald are both hound dogs when it comes to going after the big national issues, so without further ado, let’s focus on the really troubling concerns plaguing the United States.*

And here they are:

•  A lack of an authentic American cuisine. Even apple pie didn’t originate in the United States so culturally speaking it’s like the United States is home to some sort of unfortunate culinary black hole;
• The USA’s men’s soccer team never wins the World Cup which has resulted in a sort of nationwide depression. Not a depression comparable to the real one that happened in the 30s but a respectable depression nonetheless;
• The PETA lawsuit over the monkey who took a selfie will surely change legal precedent for animals but the precedent for selfies is really what is going to count. Do citizens have any idea if in ten years they will still be enjoying full selfie rights?
•  All of these U.S. planes flying around look really boring because it’s not immediately obvious that they are U.S. planes;
• New national languages in addition to English? Spanish, Swahili and/or Croatian? How will we ever decide?
•   And finally, why can’t more United States citizens do cartwheels? Are they eating too much McDonald’s?

We’re pretty sure (based on “exhaustive” research) that both Hillary and Donald would agree that these issues are the most serious issues for the USA at this point in time.

So how would they CAPA these issues?

CAPA Step #1: Priorities During any CAPA process it is important to first identify priorities. There will always be plenty of issues to muse over but a real leader and CAPA investigator must identify his/her major priority.

Hillary’s Priorities In the CAPA process the first step is to identify priorities, especially a #1 priority. For Hillary and her cabinet it was decided that the #1 priority under her administration would be the men’s national soccer team winning the World Cup. At press time it was hinted that Hillary said the following:

“I’ve been fighting for the rights of women, their health care and their education for a good portion of my life. I want to show the world that I also care about the status of men in our country. Winning the World Cup would certainly help our men develop a heightened sense of self.

They need to have confidence that they can play soccer as well as the Brazilians can. This is of the utmost importance to me and to my administration. This country will see a World Cup on my Oval Office desk and Taylor Swift singing a new World Cup anthem or my name isn’t Hillary Clinton!”

Additional priorities under the Hillary administration, according to White House press agents, include new issuance of national languages including both Swahili and Croatian which according to Hillary is the most "inclusive move" we can take in terms of national communication. Donald’s Priorities Donald’s #1 priority with or without his cabinet of advisors is definitely the U.S. planes that aren’t manufactured in the U.S. and that "look like every other country’s planes."

In a recent press conference Donald said “We can’t have planes leaving the United States without everyone else knowing that they are manufactured within the United States and when (and while) they are manufactured in the U.S. the manufacturers should be singing the Star Spangled Banner and taking advantage of a better 401(k) plan! We need to have pride in our country! We need to bring all the manufacturing of U.S. planes to the U.S.itself and we need to create plane wraps that are like those groovy car wraps. These plane wraps would always be of the U.S. flag so that no matter where our planes fly everyone---and I mean everyone---will say ‘Hey! There’s a plane from the U.S. I can tell because it has stars, stripes and plenty of pride wrapped all over it!’”

According to White House press agents, Donald’s additional priorities include an all-American cuisine and full selfie rights which Donald states will enrich the spirit of individuality within the United States.

CAPA Step #2: Assignments In the CAPA process, after prioritization come the assignments. These assignments are designed to identify the researchers and experts who are best qualified to conduct investigations into the problem areas that are resulting in priority issues.

Hillary’s Assignments Hillary’s assignments for her #1 priority of getting the men’s national soccer team to win the World Cup include responsibilities doled out to a team of sports psychologists, members of the current men’s soccer team, members of the winning women’s national soccer team, process experts and Jimmy Kimmel (for no apparent reason). This team’s job is to identify the issues that are stopping the men’s national soccer team from winning the World Cup.

Donald’s Assignments Donald’s assignments for his #1 priority of wrapping U.S. airplanes in U.S. flag designs will be doled out to an expert team consisting of experienced pilots, airplane manufacturers, process gurus, industrial designers, representatives from every country in the world and Sesame Street’s Big Bird (for no apparent reason). These experts—according to Donald---will need to identify the issues that have led to U.S. airplanes not being the stars-and-stripes diva airplanes that they are supposed to be.

CAPA Step #3: Investigations

In the CAPA process the investigations step is one of the most revealing tasks. It is at this point in the process that it becomes clear where the wrenches have been thrown into the works of any given process.

Hillary’s Investigations After conducting intensive research, and after discussions that seemed way too long, Hillary’s team of investigation experts finally came to the conclusion that the men’s national soccer team is not winning the World Cup for the following reasons:

• They don’t know how to do the samba. In fact, 85% of the Brazilian team members know how to do the samba and are more likely than any other team (besides the Argentinians and Germany) to win the World Cup;
• They don’t have an official U.S. cuisine which reflects on their self-esteem. All of the other winning countries have some typical national dish;
• They don’t speak Spanish or Brazilian or any second language for that matter. Ninety percent of the players on all of the winning teams have had at least some formal training in second-language learning;

When asked why these findings don’t seem to affect the U.S. women’s winning soccer team, Hillary responded honestly, “I have no idea.”

Donald’s Investigations After Donald’s team conducted intensive research and discussions that seemed far too short, investigation experts came to the conclusion that U.S. airplanes weren’t standing out from other countries’ airplanes because:

• They were being manufactured in the same plants where every other country manufactures their airplanes;
• Many of the manufacturing plants are unnecessarily using the manufacturing plans required for secret-mission planes ---Oops!; 
• Because making planes into "diva planes" costs money
• Because classic American rock isn’t being played in American manufacturing facilities

When asked if the U.S. has the budget to pay for designing airplane wrap and wrapping airplanes that travel at hundreds of miles per hour Donald replied: “Of course we do. I will pay for it. I have billions of dollars! Everyone loves me!” When subsequently asked if wrapping the U.S. military planes (including B2 bombers) in red, white, and blue plane wrap might not compromise the safety and “surprise factor” that the U.S. air force often requires for its missions Donald replied: “Don’t be stupid. You are smarter than that! Of course we will wrap the planes! These planes will be so advanced it won’t matter if our enemies see the stars and stripes! In fact, we’ll also wrap the bombs they drop and those bombs will deliver messages to our enemies that will help them to improve themselves and learn from us. The messages will include the following:

• “Hold onto your dreams”
• “You are unique”
• “You are special”
• “Whatever deity you believe in believes in you too”
• “Women are people too”
• “Do your people eat French toast?”

CAPA Step #4: Corrections

The corrections step of the CAPA process may not be glamorous but it’s necessary.

Hillary’s Corrections After the research and investigations phase, Hillary’s team immediately began the process of corrections which mostly consisted, in this case, of bringing awareness to the team about the perceived holes in the process and possible explanations as to why these holes were resulting in nothing but losses against countries with better food and better dance steps.

When asked how the men’s soccer team was taking the news, Hillary responded honestly: “They cried. Possibly with joy, possibly with horror. I wasn’t really sure based on the expressions on their faces.”

Donald’s Corrections After Donald’s team conducted their research they moved immediately to the corrections process which, like Hillary’s corrections phase, included building awareness around the problems for all those involved in the process of manufacturing aerospace machines of any kind. When asked how airplane manufacturers were responding to the news Donald replied: “They don’t care as long as I’m paying. Everyone loves me.”

CAPA Step #5: Implementation In the CAPA process the implementation step is great fun for people like Hillary and Donald who love to take action!

Hillary’s Implementations Hillary’s team took no time at all in implementing the following corrections as soon as the men’s national soccer team returned home from their annual winter training in the Bahamas. These corrections included:

• Intense and very sweaty samba training with the best instructors in the world;
• An immediate and emergency meeting among the most creative culinary minds in the U.S. to create truly authentic cuisine that represents the U.S. spirit;
• Intense second-language training in the players’ languages of choice

When asked how the men’s soccer team was responding to the CAPA corrections Hillary responded that they were having significantly more success in their dating lives and various romantic endeavors.

Donald’s Implementations

Donald and his team are never late in taking action! After corrections awareness took place they were quick to enter the implementation phase with these process fixes:

• 100% of U.S. planes developed and manufactured within U.S. borders
• 100% of U.S. planes easily identifiable because of added  diva-flag plane wraps that are highly visible to the eye, and when spotted, cause people to say "Gee whiz...that's a U.S. plane!" in whatever their native lagnauge happens to be
• All airplane manufacturers given free lunch on Fridays
• Classic rock mandatory in all manufacturing facilities on Thursdays 
• A wall built on the U.S./Mexico border (for no apparent reason and billed to the Mexican government)

When asked how average U.S. citizens were responding to the designer-wrapped airplanes Donald responded: “Everyone loves me.”

CAPA Step #6: Verification Verification must take place within the CAPA process.

Hillary’s Verification To verify that Hillary’s CAPA process and investigation really results in the desired World Cup wins, Hillary has assigned a team of statisticians to keep record of the men’s wins. The results will be tallied and analyzed at the end of Hillary's administration.

Donald’s Verification To verify that his CAPA process results in U.S. planes that everybody can spot with the naked eye, Donald has assigned a team of statisticians to keep record of how easily (on a scale of 1 to 10) U.S. planes can be identified from anywhere in the world. This record-keeping will continue until the end of Donald’s administration, after which the results of the CAPA process will be published.

CAPA Step #7: Close Everybody needs closure. Hillary’s CAPA Closure Closure of this CAPA investigation will take place at the end of Hillary’s four-year administration and will be based on verifiable statistics.

Donald’s CAPA Closure Closure of this CAPA investigation will take place at the end of Donald’s four-year administration and will be based on verifiable statistics.

MasterControl’s Automated CAPA Solution Although no one actually knows what the future holds for the White House, it’s fairly apparent that a CAPA investigation can be a lot of work! And although Hillary and Donald certainly wouldn’t conduct a CAPA in the same way or with the same priorities, they would both benefit from the automated CAPA system provided by MasterControl, Inc. For a long time, MasterControl has been the trusted provider of automated CAPA solutions for great CAPA leaders everywhere! Learn more about MasterControl’s automated CAPA solutions.

*Note: Yes, these issues are not REALLY the big issues plaguing the United States but since this article is a satire we thought we’d make it a bit more entertaining than the average political summary…..at least we hope it’s a bit more entertaining.